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| I'm feeling...overwhelmed. |
| 10.17.04 (1:48 am) [edit] |
I feel like I don't have enough time to do anything at all. I have to do well. In everything. I have to succeed. Crap. I have to ace my Algebra 2 Trig final. I have to. I have to do well on all my finals, but especially my math one. I'm just feeling so stressed. I'm glad I came home and all this weekend, but I've felt like I haven't had any time to relax. Because I didn't get home last night until around 9, and then I stayed up for a while eating pizza and talking to my parents about things. Then I went to bed, and then we went to the Cover Bridge Fest this afternoon and hung out there until about 5, and then went to the mall until 9 and then ate pizza again and watched "Along Came Polly." Tomorrow...I don't know what I'm going to do tomorrow. I know I'm definitely going to do some homework..I just don't know when. Especially since I'm working on hooking up with John, and tomorrow's the only day I'm gonna be able to do something with him.
This Ramadan thing is hard. Fasting...It's crazy. It's difficult resisting the temptation of bottled water or an apple when you're not allowed to have it. Speaking of which, I'm really thirsty. And I'm still allowed to eat for about 6 more hours...BRB
I need to go to a dermatologist. Seriously. I should not be breaking out this bad if Accutane is supposed to cure acne. But whatever. My mom said she's gonna try to schedule an appointment for next weekend. So that's cool and all. Maybe I'll get it all sorted out then. Hopefully.
Ugh. I need to make out with someone really bad. And the song I'm listening to isn't helping; "I just wanna touch you, I just wanna fuck you." Sometimes I really wonder if I'm just a little whore. I don't think so; I think I just like making out. Who doesn't? It's fun. And plus, John's hot and he's a really good kisser. So that just makes it even better, ya know? It's amazing what living without privacy does to you. Though I don't know who in their right mind would wanna make out with me at the moment; I look like absolute shit. Making out would also be a nice little release from all the stuff going on right now. So I'm looking forward to tomorrow when I'll see John. Hooray.
But I'm still really stressed. Aaaahhh. I have all these expectations for myself, and I don't know if I'm ever going to meet them. And I know it's this stress that's keeping me from just saying fuck it and blowing it all off.
Well, I need to go to bed. I have to get up at like 5:30 to eat something. Then I think I'm gonna work on homework for a little bit. Then try to find someone to hang out with. Like John..hehe. Then I have to go back to school...Eh. OK, I'll post again..soon, maybe.
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| New layouts...What fun. |
| 10.12.04 (2:27 pm) [edit] |
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Hoorah for new layouts! I love my background picture...it's so fucking cool.
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| Teen Screen tonight, PSAT tomorrow. |
| 10.12.04 (1:53 pm) [edit] |
We have that Teen Screen thing tonight; that thing where they find out if you're suicidal or addicted to drugs/alcohol. Should be fun (haha). Then tomorrow is that PSAT test thing. Ugh. I don't wanna take that test. I don't think I should have to, since I've taken the SATs twice already. Blegh.
Jimmy Eat World fucking rocks. And The Donnas. But Jimmy Eat World more.
I love Wednesday schedules on Tuesdays. Fucking awesome.
NO CLASSES TOMORROW!!!!!! WOOHOO!!!!!!!!!!! Also fucking awesome.
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| Some free time before class. |
| 10.11.04 (12:46 pm) [edit] |
My tummy's full and I have free time. I've been watching "Thirteen" too much lately. Too much, I say! Only two more classes left for today, hooray! And they're easy classes, which is great.
Well...I don't have anything to write anymore! Eh...I'm gonna go. Bye!
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| XC is over, I broke up with Arturo, and I understand my math. Holy shit. |
| 10.08.04 (7:11 pm) [edit] |
No more XC!! Yay! Actually, not yay. It's sort of sad. XC was fun. Running is fun. But swimming will be starting up soon, so that will take over my life eventually.
I broke up with Arturo. He's so pissed at me. Which I can understand. I'd be uber-pissed at me too. I feel like shit about it. Because I really didn't want to hurt him. I'd like to stay friends; he's a great guy. I just think we'd be better of as friends. Ugh. I feel horrible about it.
I understand the things we're going over in math!!! It's a friggin' miracle!! Woo hoo!
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| It's worse than you think |
| 10.05.04 (10:34 pm) [edit] |
XC is almost over. How sad. I actually enjoyed the running and the feeling like I was going to die after I raced. Oh, well. Swimming will start soon enough. I suppose. Until then, however, it's the fitness center and weight-lifting for me!
I hate acne. So much.
I'm gonna go get ready for bed.
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| Stupid project. |
| 10.04.04 (10:24 pm) [edit] |
I'm so stressed out about this Humanities project. I can't wait until I just get it over with and present it. Because then I will be done. But until I present it I'm going to be freaking out. Aaahhh, I don't know why Cerny assigned this to be due when Parents Weekend just finished up.
My mom said that maybe one weekend when I come home on leave she'll take me to the dermatologist. Again. But whatever. I hate breaking out. So much. It sucks. It's all part of being a teenager and all, and I can dig that, but not when it's ongoing for almost six years. No. That's..just..no. Just no.
I need to take a shower. I smell. Horrible.
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| Aaahhh, parent's weekend. |
| 10.03.04 (12:58 pm) [edit] |
[b]So many things to do. I'm extremely stressed right now. I have a huge project due on Tuesday for which I still need to do some research. Then I have to put all that research on slides. Argh.
Fall Ball was pretty cool; the decorations were nice. And I got to hear a song that one of my friends did on karaoke at my going-away party; it was great. I LOVE the dress I had. So gorgeous. I felt fake though, 'cause I was wearing makeup. I hate makeup. Ah, well.
Oh, I saw the book that my poem was published in. It was quite nice; my poem was on the first page (don't know what it was doing there, but whatever).
I'm getting sick again. Sadly. My throat is all sore and whatnot. Horrible. So I'm not feeling too cheery right now. My hate music is helping tremendously (note sarcasm). I just felt like listening to it since this is probably one of my least-listened-to CDs.
I'm...tired. I'm...gonna go now.[/b]
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| Sunscreen? |
| 09.23.04 (5:43 am) [edit] |
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My green apple sucker reminds me of Florida. 'Cause it smells sort of like sunscreen. But it doesn't taste that way. Just thought I'd let you know.
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| I have free time! |
| 09.23.04 (5:34 am) [edit] |
[b]Yay! I have half an hour to do...NOTHING! We got done with ISTEP+ half an hour early. And class doesn't start until 10. Sweet! Also, I have a sucker. Green apple. Yum.
I have to present a project next period. No big deal. I think I'll do fine on it. I don't know why these things stress me out so much. All I'm basically doing is reading things right off the slides. Oh, well.
OH! BIG NEWS! One of my poems was published in a book. The same people who published my poem want me to submit ANOTHER one for ANOTHER book! EEEEE! That makes me happy! Now I need to come up with one. I have a lot, but most of them are kind of sad, or I don't like the way they turned out. I'm in the process of writing one (and it actually rhymes *gasp*), but it's really depressing. So I need to write about something optimistic. I don't think people want to read about how depressed I am. So that's what I need to do. Hoorah. OK, I'm gonna go now.[/b]
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| How I spent my Saturday. |
| 09.18.04 (4:23 pm) [edit] |
[b]99th out of about 350 girls in the JV race at the New Prairie Invitational. Sweet.
Culver is wonderful. It's amazing here. I can't wait until the leaves start changing colors. It is going to rock.
Hooray for walking in almost a complete loop around campus. And taking three hours to do it.
Well, there's not much to write. Eh, well.
I'm off to watch the Kill Bills with Arturo. Hooray![/b]
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| Scary music and paranoia |
| 09.14.04 (5:51 pm) [edit] |
[b]According to my roommate, the CD I'm listening to right now is scary. Ah, well. It's still cool. She also says that Rasputina is scary. That I can sort of understand, 'cause I thought so too when I first started listening to them. Anyway.
Wow, I wish I could just say "fuck it" when it comes to academics and just quit trying so hard to get the best grade I can possibly get. Problem is, that's not the way I am. I suppose you could say that I won't let me just quit. Being the way I am, I always try my hardest at everything and I despise myself if I quit something. Eh.
Culver life isn't so bad once you get accustomed to the way of things. Like feeling rushed all the time. Even when I have a free period I still feel rushed because I have so much to do, like laundry, or extra studying for something. Like, my first free period tomorrow is going to be devoted to laundry and studying for my Humanities vocab test. Fun.
Oh, and my paranoia caught up to me. See, there's this period of time when I'm in a relationship where I get scared and wonder whether or not I can trust who I'm going out with. Then I start thinking that they don't like me, or that they'll start disliking me because I feel this way. I blame this all on Jared. It's his fault. Stupid...OK, I'm not going there. Just a bunch of bad memories that I don't feel like resurrecting. Thankfully, these periods only last for a few days, at most. So by tomorrow or the next day, I'll be fine.
I really like Arturo a lot. I'm so glad I met him. He's such an awesome guy. I only hope that he likes me a lot too.[/b]
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| How did I get a negative number of tbucks? |
| 09.05.04 (6:01 am) [edit] |
[b]That's weird. Anyway. So, I need to get a life. I've been listening to this same CD three times every day for the past three weeks. At least. But Mindless Self Indulgence rocks. And Internet cartoons. Like Foamy. And HomeStarRunner. Too many of those too.
Life here at Culver is going quite well. I've made a few friends and I've met tons of cool people. And I've got a boyfriend! Yay! Arturo Medina. Officially the coolest guy ever. He's so nice and funny, and he makes me feel special. He actually isn't annoyed at all by my randomness, which is awesome. Because I'm very random. So it's all good. He rocks big time.
Classes are going pretty well too. I'm not 100% clueless all the time in all of them. Shockingly enough. But I'm not complaining. Cross-country's not too bad either. I'm sort of injured at the moment, though. So I can't really run too much; I've been down in the fitness center here at school for the most part. Which sucks. I hate it down there. But we have a meet this Tuesday, and so far I'm going to be running in it. Hooray!
But life is good. Better than I thought it was going to be. I still miss home an awful lot, but I barely have any time to think about it. But my family is coming up today. So that's cool. We're gonna go to, like, South Bend or something like that and go shopping. And to get my hair cut and dyed. Again. Hehe. It'll be cool.
OK, so I'm gonna work on some homework now so I don't have to do it tonight.[/b]
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| Nightmare Reality Check |
| 08.29.04 (6:33 am) [edit] |
[b]-Nightmare Reality Check-
It seems like you don't know
Or that you don't care.
I've been around here long enough to know
That something isn't right.
And I've got a bad feeling about this.
I was aware that crushes are supposed to hurt
But this is ridiculous (then again, I guess that's me).
I don't want what I wanted anymore.
Insecurities and old habits fill my mind.
Believe me, I know what I'm talking about.
This is my territory.
I don't know what's been going on behind my back,
And I have a feeling I don't want to.
But I do know that I think of this more than I should,
More than what's good for me.
I want nothing to do with you anymore.
Complicated, he said.
I don't want to hear this.
How predictable, I thought.
You were nothing special anyway.
It's almost like I hate you now.
Yes means no, will means won't a lot of the time.
You still owned my heart.
You never could explain anything.
I never wanted it to mean this much to me.
Your lack of remorse was, to say the least, shocking.
I've never handled heartbreakers well.
You were the only one.
Did you even care?
What could have been was just a dream
With a nightmare reality check.
And this is all your fault.[/b]
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| Ha, it's past midnight! |
| 07.27.04 (9:13 pm) [edit] |
[b]If you're reading this, isn't it past your bedtime? (It's past mine...HA!) I'm bored, and tired, and hyper. And there's a crazy fly up here who's trying to commit suicide by flying into my head.
Ha, ha, Mr. Hat yelled at you.[/b]
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| I'm baaaack! |
| 07.26.04 (10:14 am) [edit] |
[b]Wow, it's been quite a long time since I've posted on here. That would be because the computer in my room is broken, so I've been using my parents' computer. I usually only check my mail, but I decided to write in my blogs. So, hoorah, here I am.
It's getting closer and closer to the day when I have to leave for Culver. I have to leave on August 15th. I'm going to try to be on the cross-country team, and then I think I might try out for basketball again. Maybe. I'm not sure yet.
Here's an update on some cool things that have happened to me since my last post:
1) I went to Warped Tour, which was a jolly good time, even though my friends made me leave early (curse them...).
2) I now have a boyfriend, Danny Roldan. Hooray! Cool dude, but I still don't think it's going to last very long.
Now here's an update on things that have yet to pass:
1) Heading off to King's Island this Friday (can't wait!)!
2) Immediately afterwards, heading to Florida for a week (also can't wait!)!
3) The Friday after we get back (which is Friday the 13th (cue spooky music)), I'm going to be having a massive end-of-summer-going-away- birthday party (also also can't wait!)! There's gonna be so many people (around 90-100), and this DJ who did my cousin's wedding is going to DJ it. He was a cool DJ.
4) Two days after that, it's off to Culver with me.
So, yeah, I'm going to be quite busy in these next few weeks. I'll try to post as often as I can! (But no one reads this anyway, so why do I bother?)[/b]
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| Kurt Cobain was hot. |
| 06.17.04 (10:41 pm) [edit] |
[b]Nirvana's cool. Kurt Cobain was also really really hot. Sadly, he committed suicide.
Ever since reading [u]Prozac Nation[/u], I find I've been contemplating hurting myself a lot more recently. In fact, just today I took a lighter to the metal tip of a pen and pressed and held it against my right forearm for as long as I could bear it. About seven or eight times. For no reason at all. It blistered up, but the blister popped at my softball game (which we lost, but played really well in). Also, I've been thinking about cutting myself again. I've been thinking about how, next time I do it, I'll actually push with the scissors, and cut up and down instead of side to side, like I used to. The only problem with that, however, is that my parents noticed the last time I cut myself (long time ago). I lied and told them my dog scratched me (which, at the time, was plausible, since he's a hyperactive dog). I don't think I can get away with the same excuse this time. I don't know what's wrong with me. I have no reason to be thinking about this. Yesterday, I wrote a letter. It was a letter I was thinking about leaving if/when I decided to commit suicide. I don't know why. I have no clue why I would even be thinking about those things. I am full of promise; I've got the makings of a bright future. I've got a great life (a little uneventful, I'll admit, but great all the same). I've got a lot of friends, a great family, and I'm talented at a lot of things. I'm smart, I'm athletic. I just don't get why I feel I need to resort to hurting myself to get out what I'm feeling. Maybe I should go to a counselor or something. I don't know.[/b]
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| "The central nervous system of my heart will always ache." |
| 06.08.04 (10:57 am) [edit] |
[b]So, basically, John and I will never talk again. The pain I felt every time I talked to him and when I saw him online was just too much for me. I hated it so much. And now that I've blocked him, I don't have to worry about that. I think I was just a way for him to have fun, and I don't think he really liked me for me. He just wanted to make out with me a lot and see how far he could get with me. That's all we ever really talked about when we talked. He always wanted to know when I would let him stick his hands in my pants. And when I did, he broke up with me four days later. But, oh well. I've accepted that we're never getting back together and that, even though I loved him, he didn't love me. But that's OK. It's amazing what not talking to someone can do. So in other words, I'm pretty much over it.
As for Shaun, well, we'll see how long it lasts. I do know one thing for sure: I can never go to the movies with him again. He talks too much during the film. So we'll see what happens with that.
"Horror immoblizes us because it is made of contradictory feelings: fear and seduction, repulsion and attraction. Horror is a fascination...Horror is immobility, the great yawn of empty space, the womb and the hole in the earth, the universal Mother and the great garbage heap...With horro we cannot have recourse to flight or combat; there remains only Adoration or Exorcism." Octavio Paz[/b]
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| 20 Going On... |
| 06.04.04 (10:03 am) [edit] |
[b]Tsunami Bomb's "20 Going On..."
Tired at 20 years old
Memory collecting before his time
Recall the old stomping ground
I see a tear welling up in his eye
No, you can't cheat time, don't let that control your life
Hold your breath, close your eyes, just jump in, the water's fine
These pleas fall on deaf ears
Ears that were once tuned to truth
A dated, washed up old man
Has seen it all, nothing else for him to do
No, you can't cheat time, don't let that control your life
Goes over your head, you look over your shoulder
When you turn back you're that much older
It slips away
Be what you're becoming
It slips away
And not who you were
It slips away
Grab hold of the here and now while you still have the chance
So are you giving up now?
As for adventures you've had your fill
Who says you're over the hill?
I think it was you and you know very well
You're holding yourself back
(Turn your face to the day)
When you could be doing anything
(Don't just dig your own grave)
When will you trust yourself
(Take with you what you learn)
The same as I do
(Be yourself, not who you were)
I want to see you use your capabilities
Build me an ocean then destroy it with your eyes[/b]
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| In flames |
| 06.04.04 (9:51 am) [edit] |
[b]I seem to enjoy changing my layout. I think this one looks particularly neato. That's one thing I enjoy about tblog. You can use any picture for your background and header and whatever.
My mother, in an effort to stop my sister and I from arguing, has placed a time limit on how much time we are allowed to spend on the computer. I've got about a half hour left.
Yay for the Warped Tour 2003 compilation! Such fun to listen to. I hope I can go to the Warped Tour this year. I want to go to Warped Tour, Ozzfest, Lollapalooza, and any other concerts that I think are cool. I'd like to start going to the Emerson Theater here in Indy so I can get into more local bands.
OK, Aqua Teen Hunger Force is one of the most hilarious shows ever! (Meatwad is tha shiz!)
I wish I could get more people to post on my blogs. If you've ever come to my blog, thanks. Now comment on it. :)
I might get to see my lover today, hooray.
OK, I'm gonna go now. I might have a poem next time.[/b]
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| Get out of my head. |
| 06.02.04 (7:57 pm) [edit] |
[b]I went out with John again. That lasted a week and a day, I believe. He broke up with me again last night. I must say, I don't think I've ever cried harder from being hurt in a non-physical way. But after I cried and wrote a few things down, I feel loads better. Although I don't think I'm quite ready to start talking to him and being all buddy-buddy yet.
Now Shaun is my main man. Again. For the third time. I might be on the rebound, but if it hadn't been for John deciding he wanted to go back out with me, I would have started going back out with Shaun anyway. So, yay for Shaun! :D
I really need to lift weights sometime soon. And go running as well.
I wonder what I'm going to do tomorrow. I wonder if I could hang out with Shaun at his house. I'll have to call him and ask.
So, the summer is underway. Every day is yet another day closer to when I must leave and start a new life at Culver. I really ought to call some of my friends and hang out with them sometime. Like, I should get a big group of friends together and go bowling. That would be fun. :lol: I should take Shaun bowling on a Friday night and see if John shows up. That would be hilarious.
Well, I suppose I will post on my other blog now. :) [/b]
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| So, here I am. |
| 05.16.04 (7:09 pm) [edit] |
[b]It is 8:49 pm at the time of my writing this.
I went to church again today. That wasn't too bad. Going to church twice in two weeks. It's a record for me.
I feel as though my parents are pushing me to get involved too fast. They want me to be in the youth group when, frankly, I'm just not interested. I believe in and love God. I believe in The Bible and was brought up in the Christian way. But I also believe in things such as reincarnation, and my friend has argued that I can't believe in that and also believe that Jesus saved our souls. Actually, yes, I can.
Also, my family is thinking of becoming Baptised. I don't know if I'm ready to make that kind of commitment. I'm talking about it like it's a relationship. Well, that's exactly what it is; it's your relationship with God. Maybe I'd prefer to have a different relationship with him. That's why, when I go to Culver, I wouldn't mind taking that Religion Studies course, so I can learn of all the different types of religions that there are, and find one that I can connect with. Who says you have to live in India to be Hindu? Who says you have to live in the Middle East to be Islam? I just don't feel spiritually ready to do something of that magnitude.
And this is only the second week of us going to this church. I would like to go a little bit longer before I decide to make a decision such as that.
So, here I am. As soon as I got home from church, I planted my bum on the chair, ate pizza, and watched "Interview With the Vampire." Good movie. Then I typed this.
So yay.[/b]
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| thanks |
| 04.29.04 (4:56 pm) [edit] |
[b]thanks to all who replied to my last blog. you guys are definitely right...i was just a bit sad when i wrote that. but it's all good. in fact, i've kinda got my eye on someone else. (dunno if he has his eye on me, but whateva!) he's cool, and, even if he doesn't like me, at least it gives me a cool guy to talk to after track practice on some days.
so yeah. school is definitely almost out. less than a month to go...woot woot! cannot wait. but i'm going to miss everyone so much. and no doubt i've said that about a bajillion times, but it's true and i'm going to keep saying it. so if you get annoyed, skip those parts.
it's hot in my house! why is that??? i'm, like, burning up and sweating. grodie.
so yeah. that's about all i have to say for today. thanks again, you guys! don't forget to check out my other blog, k? shootoutnovelty.tblog.com[/b]
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| Never fall in love again. |
| 04.25.04 (7:28 pm) [edit] |
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[b]how can he be like that? i tell him how much i miss him and how hurt i'm feeling, and he has absolutely nothing to say. he emails me back like nothing is wrong. i feel like shooting something. i never thought a guy could hurt me like this. i used to scoff at girls who let themselves get hurt by a guy. now i realize how much it hurts. this isn't cool. why can't i just get over it? i know i need to, because he obviously is. he's never going to take me back. and i know that. so i should just stop. i...i don't know. i have an idea for either this blog or my other one. i only post songs that say how i'm feeling. because sometimes...actually, most of the time, they say it better than i ever can. or i'll just write a poem off the top of my head like i do on my other blog. i don't know. my other blog is @ shootoutnovelty.tblog.com if anyone cares to go there.[/b]
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| So sick so sick of being tired and oh so tired of being sick. |
| 04.22.04 (5:55 pm) [edit] |
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[b]I've got so much going on, it's crazy. I have track and softball and my English class. Not to mention all my other classes, but English especially. There's only three classes I have that really worry me: English, Algebra 2, and Biology. Smart little frosh, aren't I? (For those who don't know, frosh means freshman...says my English teacher. :D ) Anyways. But, yeah. I've been so damn busy I haven't had time to miss John. I think it's a good thing we broke up, because I can't really spend any time with him, cuz I've just got too much to do. Oh. To anyone who's been reading this for a long time (heh, no one), I AM OFFICIALLY GOING TO CULVER!!! My dad is getting a job that's going to pay him $45,000!!! Which is so much more than what we would have to pay for me to go, even without the financial aid!!! Yay! So maybe this change of environment and people surrounding me will help me. Also, with the smaller amount of students, it shouldn't be as hard for me to become a bit more known for my accomplishments and talents and whatnot. I know that probably sounds big-headed, but let's see...I'm the second best discus (and possibly shotput) thrower on the varsity track team (and I'm only a frosh), and for my singing. And, while I'm there, I can hopefully find more things I can be good at. So, yay. I should probably go work on this current event thing I have to get for gym class tomorrow, so bye![/b]
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